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@Mardigroan

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@buhsbaby_baby

Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@AnniemuMary

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

@ComedicBust

[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.

@ChicksRule

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

@Remember_Sarah

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed