I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger…Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don’t like.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]
Wife: [terrified and crying]
Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out