I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
You Might Also Like
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.