Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

So, what seems to be the problem?

I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

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hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know


*On a first date.

Her: I’m just tired of all the games

Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket


Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
My wife: So… how are you?


After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.


Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.


Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear


Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.


I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…