SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Previously On Persistence 😎
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car