SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s