@stevevsninjas

[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.

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@fuzzlime

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

@AristotlesNZ

Been rubbing this thing on my carpet for 2 hours and still nothing. How the hell do you recharge a smart car?

@erikaskarlet

Considering how much I don’t wash my hair, I’m basically an environmentalist.

@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

@Billhenry16

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

@T_Bonezzz

Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore

@waydybee

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!