[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché