Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

◾️

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

o shit

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.