Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
all that yoga finally paid off
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I never needed anything more in my life