Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”