San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.