@tackoftheJar

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

You Might Also Like

@DwellerLake

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

@Michael_Erhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

@TheBoydP

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

@Ochie2S

[Magician Convention]

Dave: My signature trick Is making anything disappear

Tom: [holding cup] make my tea disappear..

Dave: Ok.. [waves hand].. it is done!

om: [holding cup] But.. it didn’t work!

@daemonic3

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

@huntigula

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@ComedicBust

GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let’s go exploring.

Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]

@serendipitydon1

Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.