*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
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Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
good work, everybody
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.