@slimmy_shady

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

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@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@GaryJanetti

Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.

@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

@AngelaEhh

My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.

@SortaBad

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

@RorynotRoy

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.