I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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Q: Name your favorite foreign leader.
GARY JOHNSON: Nice trick question, Chris- they all already HAVE names!
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.