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@slimmy_shady: Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
@atanenhaus: Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
@Jeff_G_Nixon: 3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret
"What it is, sweetie?"
3: [shouting] I POOPED!
"Do you know what a secret is?"
3: [whispering] no.
@0000seapea808: Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
@GeorgiaSweet20: [Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God: you krilled it : )