*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.