Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

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*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?


If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.


Don’t send an email if you’re angry. Wait a while. Have a couple of drinks. Get yourself really worked up. And then send it.


Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.


My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.


I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars


I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”


[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8


Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.