Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
You Might Also Like
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now