I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too