[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
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Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.