[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

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Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.


ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.


15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room


turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion


I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life


He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.


You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.


And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.


I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.


All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus