[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

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me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.


If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.


[I emerge from the bushes covered in blood]

Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?


Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.


Why don’t they just use a 3 year old with a drum set as an enhanced interrogation technique?


“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”


Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.


“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.


My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.