@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@Mhmm_ok_sure

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

@jennifermerr

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@jtswhipped

You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.

@Reverend_Scott

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

@MavenofHonor

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus