Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
what do you want!!!!!!!!
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!