Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.