@roxiqt

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

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@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

@VapingSonic

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

@ThaJawn

Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?

Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker

General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.

Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

*i catch my popular son trying to sneak out of the house in a letterman jacket again* oh no you don’t, mister. this is a goth family

@jazmasta

*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*

@Parkerlawyer

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

@AndyAsAdjective

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.