Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.