[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.