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Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.


If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,


CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)


I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*


having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex


Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”


A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath


Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic