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@Carbosly

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

@crunchenhanced

If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,

@TheHyyyype

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

@KalvinMacleod

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

@allyneedy

A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic