Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
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Me: now lets do a silly one
If you say “cray cray” I’m going to punch you in the “fay fay”,
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A weird thing about staying up all night is you’re awake to witness the transition from normal breath to morning breath
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic