I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Finally!
Sell your car
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.