The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.
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Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.