@Not_a_JesusGirl

Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.

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@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@davidschneider

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@SwirlySkittles

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

@Sassafrantz

Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.

@mommy_cusses

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@wolfpupy

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.