date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
How actors in movies eat their food
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Two types of dogs.