@Not_a_JesusGirl

Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.

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@sarcasm_inc

Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

@Sohail__300

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

@DadandBuried

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

@LuvPug

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

@Staggfilms

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@respected_loner

just found out today that monkeys don’t lay eggs. so what have i been buying on craigslist. what have i been eating

@SortaBad

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before