Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.