*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
How did we not see this back then?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
This a good idea
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Midwest trash talk
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.