santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.