The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
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There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
he chose this
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”