@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.

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@Cynner777

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

@slimmy_shady

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

@aissalanis

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

@Up2Long

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.