“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-
SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
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BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye