Police: where were you between 5 and 6?
SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-
SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.