@iamspacegirl

SANTA: Mhm, and I see here that you have the power of flight, which wo-

SUPERMAN W/ ANTLERS TIED TO HIS HEAD: Look, I really need this job.

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@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

@FeelingEuphoric

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@_steamy_mac

I found a comb on the street today, so long story short, I’ll be trying lots and lots of new hairstyles tonight.

@Chhapiness

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

@MomOnFire

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

@audipenny

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye