Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.


Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.


Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me


me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that


{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.


Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!


Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”


So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.