Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Happens to everyone.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?