Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I miss getting my misinformation from less places