Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.