SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
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[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
True statement👍😏😁
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.