Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
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if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.