I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’m crying im so happy for them
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes