Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.

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“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.


The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.


Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.


interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess


Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.


I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.


When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny


Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic


[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*


When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.