@TheMichaelRock

Sarcasm is like hitting someone in the face with a bat, but with words.

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@jamieleefinch

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

@Diane_7A

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

@OllyiConic

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

@MsanthropyVani

Them: Help! A poisonous snake bit me!
Me: oh shit. Umm. So. The word you’re looking for is venemous. Don’t feel bad, it’s a common mistake.

@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@thenoahkinsey

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

@whosnutstoo

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@blade_funner

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

@DomesticGoddss

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.