[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Sarcasm: my second favorite -asm.
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If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Eastern Europe – 1989
“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I already have one.