Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
😂🤣😂🤣
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?