So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.