Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
You Might Also Like
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb