Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
A family that plays together cheats.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.