*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: Hi! I鈥檓 here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That鈥檚 the one.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
This week’s mood.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You鈥檙e not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Your call is very important to us and we鈥檒l answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 馃幎 Don’t you forget about me 馃幎
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it鈥檚 too early.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor鈥檚 sister鈥檚 ex-boyfriend鈥檚 password.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one