[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following