@ndiquote

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

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@ObscureGent

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

@TheRolo

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

@brakco

Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@mostly_cheese

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

@Browtweaten

Caterpillar: *walking*

Snake: Okay what

Caterpillar: *grows wings*

Snake: OKAY WHAT

@usermcuserface

No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.

@

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@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!