*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….
I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
This kinda thing happens to me often
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Jim Carrey: all righty then