“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore