@_Bluntsage

Satan: Have you decided to sell your soul?

Me: Not exactly.

S:Then why summon me if you’re not selling?

M: I would like to sell footmats that reads ‘welcome to hell’.

S:pfft!, I already got that.

M:OK, but are they Lego footmats?

S:Woah! Do you collect cash or credit?

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@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

@ObviousOstrich

If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.

@WilliamAder

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@StevieKnip

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@tastefactory

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

@abbycohenwl

Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?

@tsm560

I don’t argue with idiots on the internet. If you’re not within punching distance I’m not interested