@OrdinaryAlso

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

You Might Also Like

@trojansauce

[being held back from my burning house by firemen]

get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE

@portmanteauface

Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine

@J_Illunninati

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

@thesulk

“You want to have your cake and eat it, too.” “Yeah. It’s MY cake.”

@Browtweaten

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

@DevilryFun

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.