satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
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*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.