Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.