Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?


When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.


If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.


There are approximately 45 seconds between “I’ll make us an omelet” and “We’re having scrambled eggs.”


*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire


FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”


Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.



[911 call]
Ok one sec.
*holds phone away from mouth*
Are you an alligator or a crocodile?
Cool. ITS A CRO-


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.