Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.