“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
You Might Also Like
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.
Thanks a lot, Megan!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
car salesman: this one is self-driving
me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself
car salesman: that’s not-
me: do u have any that come with friends
You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.