satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.