satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out


satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

You Might Also Like


“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.


My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”


I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”


I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.


Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.


[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?


All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.

Thanks a lot, Megan!


[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page


car salesman: this one is self-driving

me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself

car salesman: that’s not-

me: do u have any that come with friends


You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.