@Skoog

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

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@girlneuy

“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.

@Cryptoterra

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

@MomesTheWord

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

@DougBenson

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

@w00f_w00f

Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

@Be___Dope

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

@TheMichaelRock

All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I’m in HR’s office.

Thanks a lot, Megan!

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

@randypaint

car salesman: this one is self-driving

me: [not impressed] i literally always drive by myself

car salesman: that’s not-

me: do u have any that come with friends

@Birdhumms

You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.