Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
when someone rings the doorbell
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.