Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.