People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”