Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.