friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I “pet zone” girls. It’s like the friend zone, but, I only hang out if your dog will be there.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: can remember the lyrics to 898989 different songs.
Me: forgets what i had for dinner yesterday
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex