Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
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Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.
I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
men are so lucky they don’t have to sit down to poop.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]
Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”
Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”
*wakes up in hospital*
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*