Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
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Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know