@behindyourback

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

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@Parkerlawyer

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

@thepatrickwalsh

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: were you even listening to me?

Me: no

Wife: then what did I just s…wait, what?

Me: I said no

Wife: I’m not sure what to do now

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@Parkerlawyer

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

@geowizzacist

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

@tmulannn

Life of a Uni student
1. You wake up?You ask yourself why you woke up
2. You go to lecture you start writing then the lecturer changes the slide then you stop writing and you start online shopping or playing games
3. You go home and wonder why you even went it.

@joeljeffrey

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

@TheWadest

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”