What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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If a douchebag bungee jumps is it called a Bro-Yo?
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Lets give each other cute nicknames like, ‘Plaintiff’ and ‘Defendant’
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…