Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why