@behindyourback

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

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@realfunghi

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

@thomas_violence

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

@YSylon

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

@Tonejonzz

Lets give each other cute nicknames like, ‘Plaintiff’ and ‘Defendant’

@botandy

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…