@behindyourback

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

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@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@TweetPotato314

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

@Notoliviasteel

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@truegritrumble

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

@Masquerage

I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time it was. He said “time to get a watch” & laughed. So I kicked him in the balls. It was 6:30.

@pittdave13

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

@Bizarro_Mark

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

@Darlainky

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.